Ph.D.

by W. A. Hurwitz with no apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan

When I was a kid and went to school,
Arithmetic was only taught by rote and rule.
I did long division and I took cube root;
At the rule of three I was especially astute.
I was so astute at the rule of three
That now I am the holder of the Ph.D.

Chorus:
He was so astute at the rule of three
That now he is the holder of the Ph.D.

In algebra, later, I learned nice words
Like TRANSPOSE, CANCEL, and REMOVE THE SURDS.
DIVIDE BOTH SIDES BY z OR y;
That either might be zero didn’t make me sigh.
I cared so little if zero was z
That now I am the holder of the Ph.D.

Chorus:
He cared so little if zero was z
That now he is the holder of the Ph.D.

In geometry, too, I made such a mark
That my classmates called me a regular shark.
I memorized theorems through and through;
Originals I never was required to do.
Originals useless seemed to me
So now I am the holder of the Ph.D.

Chorus:
Originals useless seemed to him
So now he is the holder of the Ph.D.

In college, of course, I played my part;
I majored in Math from the very start.
It didn’t much matter if I learned the stuff;
I only had to manage a successful bluff;
I managed to bluff so successfully
That now I am the holder of the Ph.D.

Chorus:
He managed to bluff so successfully
That now he is the holder of the Ph.D.

The faculty said I was such a jerk,
I was obviously destined for graduate work.
They gave me a job so I could earn some pelf
By teaching younger morons who were like myself.
I taught those morons with such esprit
That now I am the holder of the Ph.D.

Chorus:
He taught those morons with such esprit
That now he is the holder of the Ph.D.

My graduate work I took in stride;
If I couldn’t prove a theorem I just let it ride.
With grades of C I was quite content,
But now and then I made a B by accident.
So frequently by accident I made a B
That now I am the holder of the Ph.D.

Chorus:
So frequently by accident he made a B
That now he is the holder of the Ph.D.

They had a silly rule that a thesis was required,
So I sought a kind professor whose assistance I desired.
He said, “Do this” and he said, “Do that”
And he had my thesis finished up in three months flat.
It wasn’t a brilliant thesis, but it didn’t have to be,
So now I am the holder of the Ph.D.

Chorus:
It wasn’t a brilliant thesis, but it didn’t have to be,
So now he is the holder of the Ph.D.

I still had to take an oral exam;
My only preparation was to cram, cram, cram.
The profs all said I made a very poor show,
But I knew as much at present as I ever would know.
To get me off their hands, they gave me a degree,
So now I am the holder of the Ph.D.

Chorus:
To get him off their hands, they gave him a degree,
So now he is the holder of the Ph.D.

Now math students all, both far and near,
If you want to seek an academic life career,
And you don’t want to teach in a secondary school,
Be guided by this golden rule:
Never try to show originality,
And you each may be the holder of the Ph.D.

Chorus:
Never try to show originality,
And you each may be the holder of the Ph.D.

Don’t buy their story. Ph.D. is good to seek job.

Elon Musk

A PhD is definitely not required. All that matters is a deep understanding of AI & ability to implement NNs in a way that is actually useful (latter point is what’s truly hard). Don’t care if you even graduated high school.

Freeman Dyson

Oh, yes. I’m very proud of not having a Ph.D. I think the Ph.D. system is an abomination. It was invented as a system for educating German professors in the 19th century, and it works well under those conditions. It’s good for a very small number of people who are going to spend their lives being professors. But it has become now a kind of union card that you have to have in order to have a job, whether it’s being a professor or other things, and it’s quite inappropriate for that. It forces people to waste years and years of their lives sort of pretending to do research for which they’re not at all well-suited. In the end, they have this piece of paper which says they’re qualified, but it really doesn’t mean anything. The Ph.D. takes far too long and discourages women from becoming scientists, which I consider a great tragedy. So I have opposed it all my life without any success at all.

I was lucky because I got educated in World War II and everything was screwed up so that I could get through without a Ph.D. and finish up as a professor. Now that’s quite impossible. So, I’m very proud that I don’t have a Ph.D. and I raised six children and none of them has a Ph.D., so that’s my contribution.